


When It Comes To Clean There's Only One Mister

by The_Royal_Gourd



Category: Commercialism, OxiClean Commercials
Genre: Angels, But still Dicks everywhere, Dicks, Humor, Kitchen cleanup, M/M, Mr.Clean right behind you, Sexy objects, Supernatural Elements, This actually turns into a plot, also supernatural elements was like, at least every chapter has the dick, bc angels, dicks everywhere tbh, elements of supernatural and of supernatural the show, especially up the butt, hot coffee, that's what supernatural is about right
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2018-04-05 13:21:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4181367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Royal_Gourd/pseuds/The_Royal_Gourd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Billy Mays here, to the waking world that is. Now all he's gotta do is get his morning cup of coffee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Billy Mays walked into his kitchen, stretching and rubbing the night’s sleep from his eyes. He grabbed his constantly freshly ground coffee and poured some into his magic coffee magigtm setting it on and leaning against the counter to wait for his delicious black energy nectar. When it was done he grabbed his favorite mug, on the side was printed “#1 Infomercial host” Billy was proud of earning that mug, he had fought in the Infomercial wars to get it. He grabbed the coffee pot and started pouring but an unexpected hand spasm caused him to throw the coffee pot across the room. It crashed against the far wall of his kitchen, drenching the walls and floor in coffee and glass shards. Billy shook his head and threw his hands up. “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF THIS HUGE MESS?”

At those words a shadowy figure appeared at the entrance to Billy’s kitchen, he stepped into the light of the kitchen, walking through the broken glass and spilt coffee to stop in front of Billy. Mr.Clean stood, fists placed confidently on his hips and perfectly white shirt gleaming in the morning sun. “MR.CLEAN, ALWAYS THERE TO GET YOU OUT OF A TOUGH SPOT.” Billy said, smiling up at Mr.Clean’s tall, muscular form. Mr.Clean’s mouth stretches impossibly wide, showing off his white, white, so impossibly white teeth. He rips his shirt off of his body, the sound of tearing fabric filling the room as he lays it on the ground before turning to Billy. He gestures to the floor and Billy lays down on the shirt, coffee and glass. “WHAT A CHARMING MISTER. LAVISH ME GOOD SIR.” Billy Mays threw his head back, really letting himself feel the broken glass and scalding hot coffee beneath his body. Mr.Clean towered over the man on the floor, grin ever present. Billy looked up at him eyelashes lowered, the coffee slowly beginning to cool on his back, Mr.Clean nodded. Billy knew instinctually what he meant, with sticky fingers he unbuttoned his shirt and pants. "MR.CLEAN WILL GET RID OF FILTH WHEREVER IT'S FOUND." Mr.Clean's grin widened, he withdrew a magic eraser from his back and threw it on the others body. Billy moaned as the magic erasers magic swipe did it's work, erotically cleaning him of the coffee stains, and deeply seeded stains in his soul. He went to hand the sponge back but Mr.Clean's grin dropped, he shook his head solemnly at Billy. Billy's lip quivered as he realized the only dirtiness left. "BUT MR.CLEAN, I DON'T THINK EVEN THE MAGIC ERASER CAN MATCH THAT SORT OF MESS." But Mr.Clean was not swayed, he stood firm, arms crossed as he stared down at Billy. The man on the floor nodded, though he was hesitant as he began shoving the magic eraser against his puckered entrance. The muscles there quivered like a frightened chihuahua. Billy moaned, continuing to try and feed the eraser in, though he couldn't get a good ramming angle like this. "I DON'T THINK I CAN REACH IN THERE." Mr.Clean nodded shooting double pistols and a wink at the man. He pulled out the Mr.Clean magic reach, a long stick with a head at the end, a magic pad attached. Billy Mays grabbed the device finding his new reaching powers gave him perfect asshole access. "THAT'S REALLY SOLVED MY TIGHTNESS TROUBLES!" He slipped it up his rectum, the cleaning power making perfect lube. Billy moaned long and loud, he dimly registered the sound of crunching glass as he threw his head back. The coffee, cold now, glued him to the floor. The tinkling glass was like the melody in the song of his pleasure. The squeaking of the magic reach thrusting through his love tunnel, the words. The sticky slurping of his ass peeling away from the sticky coffee the beat keeping time.

Mr.Clean watched as always from above, He would always watch the dirty humans from above. Their carnal pleasure waking a great roaring beast within him. He never touched though, for that was beneath him, as a holy angel he could never. He flinched as the beast on the floor writhed, clenched his fists as it called out in ecstasy, it's great honking call of pleasure sending electricity down his back. The human gave one last shuddering spasm as the last of his milky baby paste leaked from his thrusting meat's tip. The human spoke to him, "BAM! THE MESS IS TAKEN CARE OF." offered him back his holy cleanser. He could not speak in this primal things tongue, wouldn't want to if given the choice, he didn't try and simply took the cleanser. He stored it in his holy pocket dimension, it would be destroyed using the fires of Mount Doom later. He spent a moment gazing at the other, Billy Mays, though he hardly allowed himself to refer to the human as such. He was a divine being, he must keep his distance. He turned away, a moment to collect himself. He gave Bi-IT, it a smile, widening his grin until the blinding light from his perfect teeth locked the memory of the encounter away. It would remain hidden from the human until he came and unlocked it again, this memory and countless others. He paid no heed as the other called to him, confusion painted on it's prominent features. He let himself go to the light once more, he would return when he could keep himself away no more.

Billy sat on the ground, covered in coffee, cum and glass. His pants and shirt undone, he couldn't remember why that was. He buttoned back up his clothes and stood, looking at the mix of body fluids and coffee. "NOW WHAT CAN GET OUT TOUGH STAINS LIKE COFFEE, BLOOD, AND CUM?" He brightens, and scurries from the kitchen, entering again with a white tub. "BILLY MAYS HERE WITH OXYCLEAN, THIS CAN GET OUT ANY STAIN, FAST." He sets to work on the floor, a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that some other product would do the job even better.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy has a strange dream, but what does it all mean basil?

Billy Mays sat at the edge of his bed, staring distantly around his room. Perfectly white walls that held only a few pieces of equally white furniture. A dresser, a desk with a white lamp, a basket where he kept his laundry, and his bed. White sheets, soft except for the pristine starchiness of them and a cloud like comforter. He laid back on the pillows, dressed in nothing but a pair of white sleep pants. He though, as he often did, of the white figure always skirting the edge of his memories.

As usual he seemed like nothing but a dream when Billy thought of him, ethereal, just beyond the grasp of his mind. Like a plague he thought of him, constantly butting against his subconscious. Trying to get him to remember something, but what?

Billy sighed, strong arms reaching up to grasp at his pillow. "DOESN'T THIS SEEM LIKE A PREDICAMENT?" He rolled to his side, restless thoughts tapping at him like knocking fingers. He closed his eyes and resigned himself to a night of restless dreams he would only half remember.

\---

Billy Mays sat as he usually did in his kitchen, sipping at a hot cup of coffee. "A GOOD BREW, TO CURE WHATEVER AILS YOU." He stared distantly through his window at the picturesque scene that could be seen just outside. 

Birds chirped and hopped from an old willow tree scraping the side of his house. A small squirrel darted across his lawn to climb the tree, pausing partway up the trunk to stare at Billy. He smiled and waved at the critter, but the squirrel simply stared with it's beady eyes, a darkness seeming to form in them he couldn't understand. It almost seemed like it was trying to warn him, a sharp motion with it's claw across it's neck and Billy looked back down into his cup of black gold. He felt the prickle of goosebumps up his strong masculine neck and shivered. 

There was something wrong, Billy could feel it.

And upon looking around at his kitchen, all shiny steel appliances with dark oak cabinets he got a strange feeling of deja vu. Like he'd already had this particular cup of coffee, sitting in this seat, watching this same scene out the window. Save the squirrel of course.

He glanced around nervously, suddenly aware of a piece of this morning that was missing. There was a bright flash, familiar, but which he could never determine the origin of.

With that flash he knew.

A large figure stood before him, bald head gleaming handsomely in the soft scenic light the wide windowed kitchen afforded. He wore a white T-shirt stretched across rippling muscles, paired with khaki slacks that hugged tightly to rippling thighs. Billy gasped. "YOU'RE THE CLEAN TO MY MISTER!"

This was what had left that hole inside of him, the large throbbing piece he felt missing.

The man approached him like mist, his movements dripping hot sexually charged energy that Billy could barely track with his eyes. A strong hand was wrapped around his neck before he really saw the man finally arrive by his side. Fat fingers squeezed sensually like sausages wrapped around his throat, Billy gasped a hot throbbing erection already straining against his dark blue denim jeans. The fashionable pants burst open as if by magic and his sweaty cock leapt to attention, crowing with delight. Billy's arms flailed, knocking his coffee across the counter, though he barely noticed through the haze of lust crowding out everything but this man.

another meaty hand stroked down Billy's face, the perfect mouth of the perfect specimen before him opening and flexing as he talked, though all that could be heard was a disconcerting static buzz. 

Billy's searching arms reached out for the other, though he could never quite touch him, he moaned pitifully, tears leaking from his erect cock as much as from his eyes.

His body roiled desperately in the others sizzling grasp, weeping cock thrusting towards the man, Billy trying to connect them even as he felt himself being forced away.

With a loud wooshing noise, he was being thrown from the room, away from his kitchen, and the man, no ANGEL inside. Because that's what he felt like to Billy, an angel he could never reach. He saw the squirrel out of the corner of his eye, the small creature shaking it's head forlornly. Billy knew what he was being warned against now, this involvement with an otherworldly being such as the rippling muscle man would only lead to heart ache. He closed his eyes tightly against a darkness that spread across his vision and across his very soul.

\---

Billy Mays woke with a start, sweat across his brow and trickling down his glistening thighs. He noticed the tent straining in his pants, and his whole lower half felt like a swamp and he groped along his dresser for something to mop up the mess. He sighed when his searching hands found nothing. "TIME TO DIG OUT THE TRUSTY SHAMWOW." 

Billy felt a hard punch in his lower abdomen, like he'd said something he wasn't supposed to. Something unnatural, something unknowable to him, like the white figure that did or did not exist.

He shrugged is off and struggled out of bed, huge erection getting tangled in his sheets as he tried to break free. Like a swaying palm tree it toppled, pulling him the rest of the way out of the infernal white linens. He sat at the edge of his bed for a moment, trying to remember his dream and only coming up with a lonely aching feeling in his love hole. He sighed and left in search of some sort of quicker picker upper.

\---

A figure stood just outside of the human's view, cloaked in an unusual darkness, a being born of the light. But light wasn't very good for stalking, so darkness it was. He curled his bulging biceps across his body, crossing his arms and pursing his lips. 

The human was remembering him in his dreams, this was bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well by sort of popular demand and me frankly just wanting to continue the beautiful story, we have chapter two. maybe a chapter 3 like I think it might happen.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A meeting is called to decide what must be done about Billy's emerging memories and Mr. Clean's big time sinning.

Mr. Clean stood, stoic and proud at the head of this council of angels. Among the holy gathered where The Brawny Man, muscled and robust; Scrubby, the scrubber of bubbles most pure; Snuggle, a fierce and snuggly bear of cleanly justice; Sponge towels, some weird guys in padded white bodysuits. 

There were a few other non-name brand angels at the gathering but they were unimportant in the scope of the current situation.

Mr. Clean had gathered the Choir of Virtues together to rectify the horrible mistake that he had made. To clean what had been sullied, with a lot of scrubbing power.

He raised his hands to silence the others. All eyes focused on Mr. Clean, The Brawny Man’s glowing bright with a knowledge the others had yet to have shared. That judgey mother fucker.

Mr. Clean cleared his throat and began gesturing at the other angels, miming wings and doing the thing where you stick your finger in and out of a hole formed by your other fingers. 

SImultaneously all the others gasped, except the Brawny man, that utter asshole.

They had gasped for what Mr. Clean spoke off was highly forbidden. The Virtues were supposed to bring the humans blessings and lead them to acts of courage and heroism, to keep them away from sinning, not do the sinning all over them. And sin all over that human Mr. Clean had, even if he had never touched. The carnal pleasures Mr. Clean had indulged in were not very appropriate of the brilliant and shining beings of the heavens.

“What do you propose we do about this most heinous crime?” Said Snuggle in a voice as gentle and refreshing as his detergent. But snuggle was a shrewd angel and eyeballed Mr. Clean in a way that said he understood the situation better than Mr. Clean would like.

The Brawny Man just looked smug.

Mr. Clean gestured to the choir of angels and lifted his fist to pound back down on his hand.

Those gathered gasped. The sponge towel fanned at his face while scrubby supported him with his giant scrubbing brush form.

Mr. Clean understood their trepidation, something of this scope had not been done in many a years, to meddle with mortals like this was banned for a very good reason. Mr. Clean had damned the human, and in that moment Mr. Clean understood regret.

The Brawny Man’s eyes twinkled. “Well then, let’s get to it.” He said, like a total asshole.

Mr. Clean clenched his fists.

The Brawny Man simply sauntered smarmily towards Mr. Clean, pausing only when they were nose to nose, The Brawny Man’s duchey grin shining into Mr. Clean’s vast pale visage.

The impact of their lips when The Brawny Man finally launched his attack was like an explosion. An implosion even, since Mr. Clean’s lips were sucked thirstily into The Brawny Man’s face. The way they grabbed at each other was like an eclipse, painful to look at. 

But oh, it hurt so good. 

They always came together like this, Mr. Clean weak to The Brawny Man’s hot body even though that assbutt stank like an old broccoli casserole. Metaphorically. He actually just kind of smelled like detergent.

The Brawny Man licked sexually up Mr. Clean’s face, polishing his bald head with his cleft chin. The meaty surface of his chin being such that as it rubbed against Mr. Cleans head he could feel it, inside, and like a canyon forming in his groin he wanted that mighty wood so bad. 

The Brawny Man sensing Mr. Clean’s need pulled apart his pants. From the great tear swung The Brawny Man’s great tree, felled from it’s constraints within his pants. Mr. Clean flexed heavily with want, his own pants ripping into shreds so that he was bared to The great lumbering man.

They laid down, on the clouds, totally nude. The Brawny Man cradled his face gently in his robust and manly hands. Then tenderly thrust his giant dong directly into Mr. Clean’s pure white and soft carnal pleasure dungeon. Mr. Clean began to weep tears, for he was overcome with feeling and the knowledge of what he would do after this tryst.

The Brawny Man simply wiped up the tears and used them to coat his sweaty love lumber, making the sex all the better. It was really intense, and basically actual new universes were born as they had sex, since they were both angels and The Brawny Man was very overcome with feelings. Also Mr. Clean.

They thrusted heavily panting, Mr. Clean sweat-crying and The Brawny Man heaving from the strain of his great oiled muscles. They both came in a super explosion of ecstasy about exactly 42 seconds later. 

The Brawny man shifted his dong from Mr. Clean’s butt hole and reached towards him like he might want a cuddle. But that thought was ridiculous and he dismissed it immediately. For The Brawny Man was just the absolute worst, and Mr. Clean was both having none of it, and new for sure The Man was just blowing smoke out his ass. 

So He got up, conjuring new clothing as he stood. Mr. Clean, smoothed the great white expanse of his shirt, so, so white. Then he looked down at The Brawny Man, not so mighty now laying beneath him.

It was time to get ready, that night would be when they enacted their plan. With this though Mr. Clean left The Man laying there, he knew what he had to do. Billy Mays’ face floated across his mind just once, eyes lidded and soft lips stretched into a gentle smile before he ruthlessly dismissed the memory. It was time to bleach it all away.

The clouds parted as Mr. Clean left. A single tear tracked it’s way down The Brawny Man’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO About 2 years since I promised IambicKentameter that I would post the next chapter in a week I am actually posting this chapter. I am definitely for sure going to be posting at least one more chapter of this, because at this point if I ended it, that's be like a cliff hanger for real.
> 
> We're coming up to the climax here, no pun intended. (or is it???)
> 
> So things are coming to a head (or is it???) BUt actually I figure I can put out one more chapter then I am actually done this and it has a conclusion and everything. I do have a plan for the next chapter so we'll see. Hahaha, another two years pass???? Let's not though.
> 
> so next chapter will be the last and then very possible an epilogue if I feel like it.  
> yeah so have fun with this. As long as it's still fun, this is still worth it.
> 
> A big thank you to anyone coming back to read this, and all the people who have given me kudos and comments for what is essentially a mockery of bad fanfiction.

**Author's Note:**

> I think they have an interesting and beautiful relationship, but then again I am the author. Let me know what you think in the comments, love it or hate it I'd like to know.


End file.
